It's been almost two months didn't even step into my blog. Here is some update about my lately today.

Malaysia lift MCO in October, everyone around me started to hover around, cuti-cuti Malaysia. After breaking up with him, we have our first meeting up at the end of October. I never think off that we could still sit together and have lunch together. I know the reason for him to come all the way down just to meet up with me. It has been 4 months passed, I know that he is still looking for a chance to let us back in the relationship, but for me, I'm really tired of maintaining a relationship right now. I'm enjoying what I'm doing right now, love what I'm doing. I could stay up late at night doing nothing, no one bothers me on what I'm doing. Is time to move on, maybe I'm not the right person to stay with you till old.

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Early this month, due to always hanging out with friends, got infectious to COVID. I though I would affected anymore as everyone nearby me has been finished vaccinated and all of us take precautious seriously. But yeah.. I been tested out positive on PCR on 7th. I did my first RTK test once I shows some symptoms, but end up negative. Until the day, my others friend been tested positive, then I did my PCR test. And yea.. start my quarantine life in room for 10 days.

Today is my last day quarantine, and my mysej has turned into normal. Now I can back into my normal life, can hovering around house. But I also have to back to office and continue my working life, although I didn't stop working since I been detected positive. However, WFH I could do whatever I want during free time, I could sleep or watching drama, even playing game. Haha.

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Sometime I was wondering am I a bad person? Maybe is due to feeling of freshness to others so I could easily gave up for the 3 years relationship. Or maybe I already tired of how I easily get mood swing due to a person? I really don't know what actually I'm looking for. During this "window period", I did talk to a lot guys, but actually I know I will not stay up long with them because one day I will feel tired on the way of how we communication.

But yesterday, one of my friend asking me a question. Two guys right now standing in front of you, forget about the distance and country. Which one I would choose for. I really don't have the answer for this question, two of them are really different type. One is like a big brother, care about me a lot but he might not have much time to accompany me because of his working environment, another one is 2 years younger than me, but his mindset is mature and he might have time and he willing to spending time with me. 

But before this I'm a person who wouldn't consider anyone who younger than me to become my partner as I might have childish and love to play characteristic on myself. I need someone who could understand me and handle the childish of me as a partner. Sometime, I feel a bit contradict to myself, I could ignore that I might have some unknown feeling towards the younger one, somehow, I'm too afraid that he is not the one who suits me and I might be wasting my time as I already not at the age of 18. I have lots of time to choose and reconsider.

Hmm.. maybe I also don't know myself, I don't know what I really want in deep. Haha. Okay.. that's all for today. See ya xoxo 

A new month, a brand new me.. Finally get fully vaccinated - 14 days after finish my second dose. Able to go out and visit saloon to have a haircut. Wanted to cut my hair short for long.. My last haircut to short might have already been 2 years ago. Some of my friend said this haircut suits me a lot and makes me feel younger. 😂

Back to my single life for almost 4 months, sometimes I have that kind of feeling of kind of sad and regret of letting go an almost 4 years relationship. I thought when I talked about the story of me and him I wouldn't cry any more, but yeah.. my tears still burst out of my control. I not sure whether I'm still into it and have not got out from that relationship or I feel pity on the older me as I did put in so much of effort and doing the best that I could to him. Although we still keep in touch, I know that he might also feel the same way or he still waiting me to go back to him, I just feel kind of tiring and I know both of us need to move on.

Did talk to my friends about this, one of them ask me to hold him on hand and reconsider as if I couldn't find someone better, I could go back to him. But somehow I feel bad to do this because it is wasting his time to let him keep on waiting for me and it might be we couldn't back to each other someday. In this few months, I know I have changed a lot. From my thinking till the way that I treat someone... Ever since I broke up, I know even though I'm the one who telling him we might can reconsider to go back relationship in future, however, I also know that it is hard for me. 

I could just say that, the current me feel more comfortable to be alone. Sometimes will feel loneliness but I could just do whatever I want and I do not need to inform or tell anyone what I'm currently doing. All decision and steps I could just make it all by myself. I feel happy right now, and enjoy what I'm doing now.

So yea.. that all for this update. See ya. XOXO

Finally everything end. Having a long talk with boyfriend yesterday night, first time knowing that you have so much of dissatisfied in this relationship. As what I thought we just having different mindset on settling things and issue, but just on yesterday phone call, I finally know it. Maybe it's not just me feel  aggrieved in this relationship. As my friend said I'm not that kind of person who will let myself to be upset and petty in a relationship, however, with you, because of love, I always give in. 

1194 days; It's not that you can let go that easily. Just maybe I need some time to make it fade. It took up me some time to make myself calm down and when I think about it again, I wouldn't tear up so easily. Everything back to normal and no one's know how much I tear for this relationship. In this relationship, everyone told me that I really put in a lots of effort and try to be your perfect lover for my best to keep you stay with me and love me more. But yea.. no one knows how much grieved I have been suffered. 

Every girls wish to have a guy who can make me happy and won't ignore me when I'm sad. Yes, you did love me deeply and I can feel that strongly, but every time I cry in the midnight were after our fight and that makes me think whether we are the one who suitable to go on for long. This might be one of the reason why our relationship has gone to this kind of situation. You always said why I wouldn't give you a chance to make changes, but did you know how I feel each time my friends told me not to do so when I'm trying my best to talk nicely to you and try to solve the problem with you? 失望是一次一次的被建立起来, it take me a lot time to do this decision to take this step. I always hope that we could stay sweet and happy for long and I did dream of our wedding, life of been together in future. Who knows, "accident" and future which one came first. I know you are try hard to make up for the mistake you have done to me, however, I'm tired now. I just want some "me time" and try to treat myself good and don't wanna to step into relationship again at least for now.

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Recently, I knew a guy from playing game. In the world of game, I might easily felt into the trap of  I love to talk more towards stranger and his concern about what had happen to me easily make me feel he care about my feeling. But I know it just a short-lived feeling, and it might make me out of direction whether if I like him or just curious about the person. Somehow, in the past one month, I did share a lot with him about my boyfriend, about my curiosity. He also share about his ex and how he treat her. I could say that I might envy how he could do so much to his ex and how he still unable to forget about her even though they had broke up for months. 

Maybe because of we talk for hours in the midnight, tell each others stories and experiences. I started to look forward for his messages and calls. But every time, I'm the one who started the conversation, and trying hard to find topic to continue our conversation. I might feel a bit tired right now, just wanna to move on, and move him out of my mind. So that I could not find excuse to look for him. If that's the right decision, I'm a nobody to him, then I would accept the outcomes. Let's everything back to normal. If he do have a little bit of different feeling towards me, I believe he definitely will look for me. Forasmuch, it's time for me to put away your humble heart and beg for others' attention. 不想再坚持主动，喜欢你的人会主动联系你。

I think that's all for now. See you guys next time. xoxo

It's been almost a month of lockdown in Malaysia. I'm have no idea when the lockdown will be lifted, when the life of being stuck without freedom of going anywhere I want can be end. There is something came into my mind recently and I don't know who I could share this to. As you guys read the title, you already know that what I will share in this blog.

Recently, due to FMCO, my boyfriend stuck at home as his career not in the list of essential services. However, I have to continue go to work and go to office alternatively. Thus formed a situation whereas one person is too free and bored, and the another one have to deal with work and tasks. Maybe because all these, we started to have a gap in between us. Just in last week, we have a quarrel about I've been changed, two days did not drop you a videocall before sleep. I did drop you so many calls, you did not pick up and don't even wanna to reply my message at all. So I was thinking that since you don't want to pick up, why not I just go to sleep. And yea.. our argument starts from the day and it last for almost one week.

Two person different thought, what I want was settle the problem and solve it, what he want was put aside and don't talk about it anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the one who always say sorry and tried to be soft, but please don't forget I'm also a girl who want a boyfriend who could also take care of my feeling and could 低下头. I don't know how long do I still can stay with this relationship. 3 years and 3 months ; 1184 days, not that easy. I scare I will regret and reluctance if I gave up this relationship. I'm not that kind of person who easily giving up but once I had made up of my mind, I will just cut it off straight. If it were to end this relationship, I won't easily when into another relationship that fast any more. It so tired and troublesome sometimes. An ambiguous relationship might more suits and fit me.

25-year-old, what I want in a relationship might have been change. Mindset, thought might have to be align in order to keep the relationship longer. Not like those youngster, love is the most important one. Other factors - monetary, freedom might be the factor affecting a relationship. I have been read before this line in one of the blog - “能够在一段感情里变成一个小女孩，是幸运的，如果一段感情把你变成一个成熟的人，也是幸福的。可能一辈子都可能遇不到对的人，但我们还是要把自己的生活过好，找到自己喜欢做的事情，而不是为了迎合谁。无论一个人还是两个人，享受每一段过程里的状态。”

My current relationship, he treat me like a princess whatever I wish for and want for, he could tried his best to give it to me, at the same time, I also grow to be more mature, for me right now, he is not the world to me as I still have my family, my friends and my own work. But he wish that he is the priority in my life. I'm not too sure whether he is the right person to me or not. People around me was asking me the same question, are he the one you want to marry in future? I don't have the YES or NO answer to this question, because I don't know tomorrow and unexpected accident which one came first. 

Let everything go with the flow. Think too much makes life complicated. So yea.. everything end here. BYE!